What to Do When Your Spouse Refuses to Go to Family Functions

11-19-2007, 09:23 AM

My ex-h, notoriously, would not nourish family weddings, friend's kids birthday parties (even though his friends attended), my loftier school reunion, every visitor picnic and holiday political party. He has psychological issues like torso dysmorphic disorder, low, that he refuses to take his medication for. He is a blamer (encounter other post on this topic), he wants everyone to believe that he is fine and it's everyone else'southward issue if he doesn't want to leave the house.

When I gave him upwardly to his gf, I warned her, equally a woman with a huge and very close family unit, not to count on him for these things. Sure plenty, he refused to attend a family wedding this weekend. This did non go over well, his wife is very upset.

Anyone else take this problem? People used to joke with me..."are you lot sure you're married?"....because he never came to anything with me.

If you lot said to him, ok, you don't desire to go considering you lot hate your face (BDD), so why not take your meds? He'll deny that is the crusade, fifty-fifty though we all know information technology is the case. So in other words, he refused to get, but won't requite a reason why.

I've also suspected for many years that he is a latent homosexual...basically faking the life of a heterosexual married human and father. He lives the miserable life of someone who is hiding something. He is loved by his family, just in their presence he acts like he wants to clamber out of his skin...tin't behave on a conversation etc...with his own family. He speaks very affected when around his ain family.

11-19-2007, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreenMachine View Post

Information technology's probably a good thing your not married to him anymore, Mainstreet.

Absolutely. But for my daughter, I'm concerned. She wants to attend her stepmother's family functions (as she should) but has to deal with the same "Where's your dad?" affair that I did for then many years.

I have no family unit here. Information technology'south just me and my daughter. For seven years, I've been giving upwards the holidays, volunteering to piece of work on Thanksgiving and Christmas, so that my daughter can take large family holidays with my ex and his wife. Now I'thousand thinking I shouldn't exist, if he'south not interim like a family homo, why am I taking the high road reference holidays?

eleven-19-2007, 10:twoscore AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by foma View Post

I am similar in that I don't especially like going to social functions with a lot of people there (I'k okay with i other couple-type situations though) and so I can empathize. I see this as a weakness and have consciously tried to improve on this but your ex seems to have problems beyond just an ordinary anti-social-like behavior. He needs to talk almost whatever problems you call up he has. I feel for ya. I know my husband had issues about this. It takes a lot of piece of work and volition not be 'resolved' in one day.

I appreciate that you acknowledge to feeling this style and I respect that. Unfortunately, information technology's been over fifteen years...no sooner do we succeed on getting him to receive help, he goes off his meds and won't go out the house. When I was married to him, I knew how ill he was and never pressured him to go. It was a given...I never expected him to go and he never surprised me by going. (1 of the reasons I stay married as long equally I did was that it was similar being happily single.) But, he married again, dorsum to square ane. She and her family unit didn't know he suffers from low and OCD and BDD; they are merely now realizing it. I don't get involved. Merely my girl is at present starting to bear witness signs of non wanting to be effectually her dad and his blackness cloud....don't know if I need to stride in. He's been suicidal in the past. What to practice?

I suppose this thread could too be virtually...knowing your ex has serious mental conditions and non knowing whether to tell his wife nearly your ain experiences with him. I'thousand going to start a new thread.

(Run across new thread about mental illness.)

11-19-2007, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MainStreet View Post

I appreciate that you admit to feeling this mode and I respect that. Unfortunately, it's been over 15 years...no sooner do nosotros succeed on getting him to receive assistance, he goes off his meds and won't leave the house. When I was married to him, I knew how sick he was and never pressured him to go. It was a given...I never expected him to go and he never surprised me by going. (One of the reasons I stay married as long as I did was that it was like being happily single.) But, he married over again, back to square one. She and her family unit didn't know he suffers from depression and OCD and BDD; they are just now realizing it. I don't get involved. But my girl is at present starting to testify signs of non wanting to be around her dad and his black deject....don't know if I need to step in. He'southward been suicidal in the past. What to exercise?

I suppose this thread could also exist nearly...knowing your ex has serious mental weather condition and not knowing whether to tell his wife nigh your ain experiences with him. I'thou going to first a new thread.

(See new thread well-nigh mental illness.)

I would stay out of this if I were you. I know you lot take good intentions, but she may perceive it as existence nosy or butting in where you don't belong. If she wants your advice, she'll ask. Peradventure your daughter could talk to a advisor about her relationship with her dad and get some good information on how to deal with his odd behavior without information technology affecting her. If the new wife and her family haven't noticed that his behavior is foreign, there's something wrong with them. But I'm sure she's noticed it.

11-xix-2007, 03:32 PM

Okay, I now have a better idea of what "personality issues" were meant in the "mental weather condition" thread. Twinkle Toes is correct, specially since you said they've been married 7 years. (Well, 7 years you've been giving up vacation celebrations.) Electric current wife knows something is awry. Whether she wants to accost it or non is upward to her.

Your daughter non wanting to be effectually her father might exist a sign that she is coming to realize that his behavior isn't "normal." It'south probably a adept matter for her evolution that she realizes this. And she is only in that location four days out of every eight so I would be shocked if she has noticed something wrong and the stepmother hasn't.

What you know nearly your ex is from 7+ years ago, so I wonder what new tricks your ex might have caused? Y'all know what living with your ex WAS like, but you may non know what the man he is now is like to live with. Practise people with those kinds of bug get better with age and lack of handling or practise they go worse? (I don't know, and so I'thousand request.)

I'yard not sure what to make of the "he's been suicidal in the by" function. Apparently it wasn't an issue before because he was considered stable enough to become joint custody of your daughter?

I'one thousand trying to understand if he has been "good" these past vii years? What has suddenly changed that you Now--after all these years--desire to tell the current wife what yous know about the man she has been with for over 7 years? What was the trigger?

IMO, you shouldn't only mitt away all your holidays with your dd. Why shouldn't your dd have memories of her mother for those holidays, as well? I understand yous've said you wanted to exist the bigger person, just you've taken that to an extremely high level that I hope your dd understands. Does she know why y'all have worked instead of beingness with her on the holidays? Does she know that information technology was because you wanted her to take the big family feel, non because you didn't want to be with her? Maybe yous should start reclaiming them and beginning some holiday traditions of your own with your dd. You are her mother, you will e'er have a special place in her heart, but I call up you lot've been depriving yourself of also many events with her and just assuming that the big gatherings are amend for your dd. Why can't yous and your ex split the holidays? If she gets to see the step-cousins at Thanksgiving this year, and Christmas next year, that is okay. It's never too late to start a new tradition.

These are not easy bug for you, and this is not an easy time of year for virtually people. ((hugs)) to you every bit you endeavor to work through these problems.

11-19-2007, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnyDayNow View Post

Okay, I now have a better idea of what "personality issues" were meant in the "mental weather" thread. Twinkle Toes is correct, particularly since you said they've been married seven years. (Well, 7 years yous've been giving up holiday celebrations.) Electric current wife knows something is amiss. Whether she wants to address it or non is up to her.

Your daughter non wanting to be around her father might be a sign that she is coming to realize that his behavior isn't "normal." It'southward probably a good thing for her evolution that she realizes this. And she is but there four days out of every viii so I would be shocked if she has noticed something wrong and the stepmother hasn't.

What you know nearly your ex is from 7+ years ago, so I wonder what new tricks your ex might have caused? You lot know what living with your ex WAS like, simply you lot may not know what the man he is at present is like to alive with. Exercise people with those kinds of issues become ameliorate with age and lack of handling or do they become worse? (I don't know, so I'one thousand asking.)

I'm non sure what to brand of the "he's been suicidal in the past" part. Manifestly it wasn't an issue earlier considering he was considered stable enough to go joint custody of your daughter?

I'm trying to understand if he has been "proficient" these past vii years? What has suddenly inverse that you Now--after all these years--want to tell the current married woman what you lot know about the man she has been with for over 7 years? What was the trigger?

IMO, you shouldn't just hand abroad all your holidays with your dd. Why shouldn't your dd take memories of her mother for those holidays, besides? I understand y'all've said y'all wanted to be the bigger person, simply you lot've taken that to an extremely high level that I hope your dd understands. Does she know why you take worked instead of being with her on the holidays? Does she know that it was because you wanted her to accept the big family unit feel, not considering you didn't want to be with her? Peradventure you should commencement reclaiming them and start some holiday traditions of your ain with your dd. You are her mother, you will always accept a special identify in her heart, but I recollect y'all've been depriving yourself of too many events with her and just assuming that the big gatherings are ameliorate for your dd. Why tin't you and your ex split the holidays? If she gets to see the step-cousins at Thanksgiving this year, and Christmas adjacent twelvemonth, that is okay. Information technology's never as well belatedly to start a new tradition.

These are non piece of cake issues for y'all, and this is not an like shooting fish in a barrel time of year for well-nigh people. ((hugs)) to yous equally y'all try to work through these problems.

I actually like your mail. The part near him being suicidal in one case...was back before he was diagnosed...and at the time of the divorce he had been on medication for years...was a stable a.h.

I love what you lot are maxim nigh holiday traditions...I call up that is what I will kickoff for 2008, not giving up the holidays and starting new traditions. She is a inferior this year; she should be doing some volunteering now; but for 2008, possibly a soup kitchen or homeless shelter...something we could do together.

Corking advise!

Allen Jobley

What to Do When Your Spouse Refuses to Go to Family Functions

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